Hank's HARD ON
by DavidDraco
Summary: Hank Hill's son, Bobby Hill discovers his father has been living a double life.
1. Chapter 1

It was a hot summer afternoon at the Hill house. School just ended a few days ago and Bobby Hill was outside playing with the dog, Ladybird. "Bobby?" called Hank Hill, Bobby's father, "Where are you?" Hank walked into the backyard and saw sitting his son with sitting in front of Ladybird with his back to him. "Whatcha doing there boy? You want to play some football or help your old man on the truck?" Hank asked walking over.

"Hey dad!" Bobby turned to face his father" "Bwaah! Bobby, what did you do to Ladybird?" Hank shouted in angry and horror, his face turning red. There sat Ladybird looking sadder than normal. She was wearing makeup that made her look like a some cheap floozy, who was an extra in a low budget porno flick the kind where everyone gets tested even the camera man. "I needed someone to practice kissing with and Connie was too busy. Her mom said she was helping her dad take the old one eye to the optometrist, whatever that is." Bobby explained.

"That is it!" roared Hank grabbing Bobby's arm and lifting him up. "I am so god dang tired of your asinine ways, boy! It is time I teach you a lesson you will never forget." "But dad" Bobby started as Hank dragged him into the house. "No buts, Bobby. I am going to make you into a man the only way I know how, and that is final. I should have done this a long time ago." Hank pulling his son into the garage.

Bobby always was scared of the garage. It is dark and it stinks of exhaust. Sometimes he could hear his dad in here muttering to himself over the sound of the power tools. All the grinding, and sawing, and screeching, and clanking at all hours of the night, it would drive him mad. And now here with his dad he was terrified. His father closed the door behind him and locked it. He then looked at his only son expressionlessly, his eyes hidden in the shadows. "You aren't right boy, but I am here to put you right. You done playing those little girl games. It is time that you learn what I do in here."

Hank walked over to the workbench and beckoned to Bobby, who slowly walked over. His dad picked up some tools off the bench and put them on hooks that hung above it. To Bobby's surprised the workbench and the floor beneath it slid into the wall behind it, revealing a long staircase leading down into the dark abyss. "You first Bobby" Hank sternly " Lets go. Your manhood awaits". Bobby cautiously walked down the unlit metal stairs feeling his way in the darkness, his hands reaching out to cold metal walls. Slowly his eyes adjusted to the dark, there he saw a short hallway leading to a metal door with a wheel for a knob like you would see on a ship. Bobby felt the terror building up inside of him as he walked towards the door. His mind was racing. When did his dad make this? Did his mom know? What was going to happen once he was on the other side of that door?

"Open it Bobby" said Hank walking down the stairs behind him. His boots trumping against the cold hard floor. Bobby went to the door and firm grasped the wheel, turning it slowly. The door made a soft squeak as it open, slowly revealing the room inside. The light from the room blinded Bobby for a second. He felt his dad walk past him into the room. As his eyes adjusted he saw he was in a large brightly lit white room with a high ceiling. There were several black desks facing a wooden wall with a massive TV screen on it that was to his right. In front of him on the opposite wall was a large computer with multiple screens and flashing lights and multiple colored buttons. At the back of the room, which was to his left, stairs climbed up a balcony with lightly tinted windows. Above that was a large bronze circle with a chest of hand, claw and wing holding each other unison. Hank walked into the center and stretched his arms out. "Welcome Bobby to the last line defense for freedom, justice, propane and propane accessories on Earth. This is the Honorable Arlen's Research and Development with Outgoing Neighbors".


	2. Chapter 2

Bobby gazed in disbelief at his surrounding. "Dad, what is going on? What... What is this place?" He stammered. Hank walked over to him. "I told you, Bobby. This is the Headquarters of the Honorable Arlen's Research and Development with Outgoing Neighbors. Come on, let me show you around."

Hank walked over to the large computer with many screen, buttons, and flashing lights. "Bobby" Hank placing his hand on the machine. "This is Clever, Outstanding, Wonderful, Gears, Instructing Research and Logistics." Bobby walked over to his dad and thought for a moment. "Wait a minute... C.O.W.G.I.R.L.? You named your computer Cowgirl?" "Well dang Bobby what else should I call her? Something dumb like Mary? No C.O.W.G.I.R.L. is the best super computer this side of the Atlantic." Hank said stroking the one of the large metal panels.

The voice of a sensual of a southern black woman issued from the computer. "Oh stop Hank you gonna make a girl blush with all the sweet talk you're doing." "Well C.O.W.G.I.R.L. you are the hottest computer around." said Hank playfully flicking a few switches. "That's because I am powered by Propane, Hanky poo." "Propane is a sweet lady, but not as sweet as you, C.O.W.G.I.R.L.." Bobby could not believe what he was seeing. His dad, who he loved more than Rock Road ice cream with extra nuts, was flirting was a giant talking sentient computer. "Dad, I don't feel so good. I think I need to sit down." "Its ok Bobby, it is a lot to take in at once." Hank holding his son. "Just breathe. Breath!" But Bobby passed out on the floor.

Bobby woke up in a comfy office chair. As his adjusted his eyes, he saw was in some sort of control room with one of the walls made of glass. There were desks everywhere with multiple computer screens on them. Through the window he saw the room he fainted in. He was up in the balcony with the tinted windows. In the center of the room there was slightly raised desk with a large control panel facing the window. At the desk was next a chair and in the chair was a man, who Bobby couldn't see, and next the chair was Hank Hill. "Dad?" "Hey Bobby you are up! There is someone here I want you to meet." Hank turned the chair around saw Bill Dauterive.

"Hey Bobby! So your dad finally decided it was time for you to join down here?"

"Mr. Dauterive? What is going on? What is this place? I don't understand."

"Sit down Bobby" Hank gestured to a chair "This is going to take a bit to explain"

 **The History of H.A.R.D.O.N.** _(Hank is explaining with Bobby asking questions)_ H.A.R.D.O.N has existed for over ten thousand years since the dawn of mankind. / _Wait a minute dad how that be? Arlen hasn't even been around for two hundred years./_ Bobby, the A in our name has stood for other places too. Atlantis, Athens, Australia, Auschwitz if it starts with an A, H.A.R.D.O.N probably had or has a base there _._ H.A.R.D.O.N has always served mankind from those who wish to destroy or rule it. It does not matter where the threat is, we will be there to save the day. From Earth or beyond it matter not. / _Wait beyond Earth? What does that mean?/_ Aliens, Bobby, Aliens are totally real. We have members from every continent, every race, every walk of life. H.A.R.D.O.N is the reason that Cold War didn't go hot. H.A.R.D.O.N is the reason America was founded. H.A.R.D.O.N is the reason Elvis was King and pizza was invented. H.A.R.D.O.N is the reason Jesus came the Earth. _Jesus Christ?!/_ Yes, he was one the of the best god dang members to ever grace this planet. God bless America. We defend the human race from all threats. And now Bobby we have decided it is time for you to join us. Will you?

"Wait" Bobby wide-eyed "You want me to join you super secret spy space situation?" "Well its not in space, well not all of it. But yes." Hank held out his hand. "Yes dad, I will do it!" Bobby jumped out of his chair to shake his dad's hand. "Good! Then its time to begin your training." Hank press a button the control panel. "Its time. The boy is ready." A door in the opened up. Two people walked through. One was a tall handsome tan man with blonde hair. The other was a orange tabby cat walking on two legs. "Boomhauer and Garfield will be your instructors." "Wait!" Bobby rubbing his eyes " Garfield is real?!"

"Of course I am real, Bobby. That comic strip Jim Davis writes is just a cover story. I am will be your combat teacher. Boomhauer here will teach you the art of being a spy." The cat replied.

"GodDangBobby, ItellyouwhatI'mgonnashowyouhowtoberealsmooth, youknow? Likeheybabyyoulookingmightyfinetoday, justslideupinthere. Itellyouwhat. Listenherenow, withmeyouwillbeabletotalkyourwaythroughanything."

Hank placed his hand on his son's shoulder. "Bobby you are about to take your first steps into a much bigger world. Do me proud, son".


End file.
